I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
