: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
