The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
