I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
