I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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