be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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