spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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