please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
