You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
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