you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
