youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize
