So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Randomize