I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
