I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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