K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
