i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
