At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
