I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
