Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
