every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
