I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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