It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
