I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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