Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize