Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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