my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
