Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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