His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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