so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
