oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
wrigley field is MILF paradise
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
