My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
