I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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