Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize