does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
