Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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