oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
