i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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