just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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