Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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