Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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