God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
