just survived the first fart of the relationship.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I wish you could order shots online.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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