nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
