i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Randomize
