Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize