I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Randomize
