my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
