Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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