Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
