Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
