the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
