Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
