Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
