The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
