Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
