I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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