I'm gonna have a badass scar
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
