smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
