i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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