we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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