Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I checked into jail on foursquare
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
