there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
