hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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